Day 15. What do you wish for?
This is easy. I wish for financial flexibility. Not money, by the way. That's very, very different. I don't need to be rich, but I have really struggled with times when I feel like I cannot give the kids something that I feel is right or best for them because of financial reasons. As I think I've mentioned before, I always wanted three kids. I'm the oldest of three, and we're all so different. I simply cannot imagine my life without the youngest, and feel the same way about my own kids. Monkey and Lion are amazing and all-consuming - both emotionally and literally - but I still feel like someone's missing. When we're all snuggling in bed together on weekend mornings, I just feel deep down like there is another little someone who should be there. I don't in any way mean my kids are not enough, but I just don't feel complete right now.
Problem is, children are (duh!) expensive. Especially when you consider how much Hubbie and I care about private schools. We live where we both grew up, and we went to private schools that we are still in awe of and involved with today, and it would be so hard to not give our kids that same experience that is so beloved to us. Whatever you personally think about private vs. public, private is what we know and love, and as a parent that goes a long way, not only to immediate comfort but to knowing how to successfully impact and maneuver your environment to your child's best interest.
It's clear that two kids in private school is going to be really hard, and I know, rationally, that three is all but impossible. And since I refuse to treat one differently than the other, three basically would mean NONE of them would get that experience. So maybe it's selfish of me to want to satisfy my own yearning for a third when it effectively deprives the first two of these amazing places.
The other thing is that I am really overwhelmed right now. I still maintain that the move from no kids to 1 is much harder than from 1 to 2, but 2 has at times exceeded my capacity. It's getting better as Lion gets older, but we've had some really tough times. I've had post partum depression episodes with both kids, and child care arrangements are continuing to be the bane of my existence. (More about that later.) For the first time last week, I found myself wondering if, money notwithstanding, we could handle a third child. I'm sure we couldn't right now. In a year or two? But while I'm not as old as mnay Moms I know, I'm also officially in the high risk pregnancy category of late.
If I could throw more money at a nanny, maybe we could keep one for a really, really long time and minimize the trauma of transitions. Or move to a closer neighborhood that cut time off a commute and increased our time together. Or work part time. Or, frankly, take the pay cut that is implicit in moving back to the work that I love love love or just to a new job with more flexibility, even if it was still full-time. In any case, I know that with a little more income these issues would stop being issues, and it would be about what we want for our family and what is best for the kids. And that's what it should be about; period.